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Navigate the Complex Path of Divorce with Children in Maryland
Are you thinking about how to divorce with children? Alternatively, are you wanting to leave your marriage and worried about the impact divorce will have on your children? Ask yourself, how can I leave my marriage with children involved? This article will provide answers to your questions on how to leave a marriage with children.
Being in a marriage that is not working is difficult, but it is every more complicated when you have children. Leaving a marriage with children is not an easy choice, as the impact extends far beyond you and your spouse. Divorce has a serious impact on children. I know personally, as I am a child of divorce. You may have pressure from family and friends to “make it work” for the children. You are likely asking yourself questions about whether you should make your marriage work and whether your children will be happier if they can be in one home or two homes with more peace.
When you decide to file for divorce, how will you tell your children about the divorce; when will you tell your children about the divorce; and when will you decide to leave the marriage? Our team can assist you in answering these questions and finding the right way forward for your family.
How to Divorce with Children
How to Divorce with children should never be an impulsive decision. Additionally, the manner and timing of your leaving the marriage should be after much consideration and in a way to minimize the negative impact on your children, if it is safe to wait.
You alone make the final decision to seek a divorce. However, you may want to discuss the issue with your spouse before filing for divorce. Your divorce will not be final until the district court enters a divorce decree in your case; however, start planning to file your divorce when you know in your heart that it is the right decision. From my experience assisting many spouses facing divorce, I can tell you that children can be very happy after an unhappy divorce is finalized. The divorce process may undoubtedly be difficult for your children; however, living in a home with a loveless marriage may hurt them more in the long run.
Children of all ages are smarter and more observant than we often give them credit. In marriages that are at a high risk of divorce, the children often recognize the imminent divorce sooner than the parents do. The National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America has completed research indicating that children are often aware their parents will be seeking divorce before it happens.
The act of getting divorced alone is rarely traumatic for children. Many children have been through their parent’s divorce, and have done just fine. What is traumatic for children of divorce is their personal involvement or experience in the divorce. Additionally, anything you say about your current or former spouse that is negative is likely to be burned into the mind of your child for years to come. Therefore, it is important to find someone else to confide in about your issues with your spouse.
Considerations on Seeking How to Divorce with Children and Telling your Children about Divorce
The following are helpful tips and things to consider on how and when to leave a bad marriage when you have children. The following tips may help you decide whether it is time or not to leave your marriage with children. Once you have overcome the decision point on seeking divorce with children, the next and equally important step is how to leave the marriage with a minimal negative impact on your parent-child relationship.
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Be Honest with Your Children
As stated above, your children, dependent upon their age, are likely aware of the fact that your marriage is not in a good space. Therefore, it is important to give them a clear picture of what is going on without over-informing them. Determine how much detail to share based on your child’s age. A six-year-old may only need to know that mommy or daddy will be living elsewhere. A teenager is likely mature enough to understand that you and your spouse are getting a divorce and will no longer be living together as husband and wife.
Tell your Children about the Divorce from Your Spouse
Whether it feels like it or not, your children are not to blame for the divorce, even if they have impacted your marriage. They deserve to transition as smoothly as possible through this process. Therefore, it is important to present one concerted message to them with your spouse. It may be difficult to agree on what you tell your children about divorce; however, you should take the time to discuss or even argue about it, before your children find out.
When Do my Children Need to Know about my Divorce?
Your children need to know about your divorce when you decide to move forward and both parties have initially processed the fact a divorce action is imminent. You should not wait months after the decision to file has been made. Kids are smart, they will pick up on the fact that mommy or daddy are not coming home at night or not sleeping in the master bedroom.
Determine the amount of information you provide based on your children’s maturity and choose a setting that reduces their stress. For example, tell them on the first day of a long weekend or school break, so they have time to process the information. Alternatively, ensure your children are not isolated from their friends or support network during this time. Consider your specific child’s best interests and maturity before deciding when and where to tell them you are getting divorced.
What Should I Tell My Children about Divorce?
Tell your children you are getting divorced in terms they understand, without sharing the reasoning or too much detail. Ensure them at every step that they are innocent and you love them as much as ever. Tell your children that despite the divorce, your feelings for them remain unchanged. Inform them about the new living arrangements and assure them they will always have a loving home with both parents.
However, if there is abuse, domestic violence, or some other factor that makes the previous statement not true, refer to the above about only providing as much information as necessary. Protect your children in divorce and protect their hearts.
Again, ensure at every phase of the process, from the first time your children learn you are getting divorced and onward, that they know they are not to blame, that they had nothing to do with the divorce, and that you love them.
Resolve Divorce without Fighting
You may be wondering; can I take my children and leave when I file for divorce? Can my husband take the children when he files for divorce? Can my wife take the kids from me? However, your focus needs to be on the best interests of your children. You should immediately consult with an experienced divorce attorney if you fear that your spouse will hide or kidnap your children. However, this is a rare event and the courts/law enforcement have tools to protect you and your children if necessary.
After representing hundreds of clients facing divorce, I assure you it will be better for you and your children if you resolve custody and your divorce without a fight, with the help of competent family law counsel. However, that is not always possible. The less contention in your divorce, the less impact it will have on your children, and the smoother it will be for everyone involved.
The more you and your spouse can resolve out of court the better. Family law courts across the country are jammed to the breaking point, and judges rarely provide you with more than 30 minutes of their time to evaluate any issue in your divorce involving children before trial. Additionally, divorce trials involving children take over a year on average to be heard. To sum up, the more you can settle by agreement in your divorce or with the help of experienced counsel, the better.
The only way to know the outcome of your divorce and custody decision is to reach an agreement with your spouse. Retain an experienced divorce or child custody attorney, as their expertise in evaluating divorce cases with children will be invaluable.
Negotiating How to Divorce with Children
A little give and take can go a long way toward a peaceful resolution of your divorce with children. You should receive fair compensation and substantial time with your children in the divorce. However, remember that family courts are courts of equity. Divorce court judges strive to reach outcomes in the children’s best interest, which may differ from your perspective.
You can achieve the best outcome in your divorce with children by negotiating a settlement with an experienced attorney. You don’t have to accept any offer or settle, but consider all options before leaving your future to the judge.
Prepare Children for Separation
In many cases, children have no understanding of how your divorce will impact their life. Therefore, you and your spouse are responsible for helping them through the process. Assure them you will be there for them no matter what and that they are not losing a parent. Explain their relationship with both parents will simply be different. Host birthday parties and important events together during the transition, if possible and safe.
Some children will benefit from individual counseling during and/or after your divorce. You may consider providing this option if available in your area. Additionally, provide your children a safe space and time to ask questions about the divorce and their future. Focus on what is best for your children when answering their questions about divorce. Rather than what puts you in the best light.
Create New Bonds through Divorce
The transition to seeing a parent in a new home is difficult for children of all ages. You can soften the blow by making a space for your children in your new home. Include their favorite things to ease the transition.
After you or your spouse move out during the divorce, you likely have most of your personal effects in your new space. So, consider bringing some from the marital home or purchasing new toys or things that your children will like. Of course, it is important to follow this advice for parents going through a divorce within reason. Do not spend thousands on your children in your new home unless you and your spouse agree. Ensure it is financially responsible.
Do Not Put Your Children in the Middle of Divorce
It is important to be pleasant when you are around your soon-to-be ex-spouse and your children. Remain calm and try to be pleasant when you meet for custody exchanges. Follow your divorce attorney’s advice and meet at a safe space, such as a police station, if safety or outbursts are a concern.
Respect your soon-to-be ex-spouse’s access to your children and your children’s access to them as well. Encourage your children to speak to your spouse during the divorce process, even during your time with them, as long as it doesn’t negatively impact your time together. Your children are learning a new way of life. Make it as easy as possible for them by keeping lines of communication open at all times or on a routine schedule.
Forgive and Move On After Separation
Your decision to seek divorce with children is your issue and not your children’s fault. Your children will know if you hold a grudge or cannot get over the separation. They are not your counselor. Your children are not responsible for your mental health, it is the other way around. Seek the assistance of a counselor or mental health professional if you are having difficulty letting go or forgiving your spouse. You do not need to confess your continued love or anger towards your ex to your children. That is a weight that is not theirs to bear.
Similarly, with the help of marital counseling and other resources, staying in your marriage may sometimes be the best decision. Consider trying to repair your marriage if both you and your spouse are willing and it is safe to do so. However, it is never the best option to simply live through a painful or loveless marriage. When you know your divorce is over, you should move on to the divorce process. But do so in a way that minimizes the negative impacts of the divorce on your children.
Your Next Steps
When you know your marriage is ending and you have children, prioritize moving forward safely and minimizing the impact on your kids. Our compassionate team at Divorce with a Plan is here to help. Schedule a consultation with an experienced divorce attorney in Maryland. Call us directly at (240) 269-3592 to get started.