by For many divorced dads in Maryland, it can be unbearable to forgive your ex-wife for filing for divorce or taking actions that led you to decide to file for divorce. However, it can be done, and forgiving her is an important step toward improving the health of your relationship with your children as well as with your ex-wife. Some fathers need to take small steps on the journey of fully forgiving their ex-wife. Forgiveness is powerful in the healing process, and from representing hundreds of fathers facing divorce and child custody battles in Maryland, we have found that it will benefit your children for the rest of their lives. Stay connected to your kids during divorce.
Bitterness and resentment are much heavier burdens on you than on your ex-wife. Although you may no longer be in love with your ex-wife, you can still love the gift she has given you of your children. You will always be the father of her children, and that bond may be enough to improve your co-parenting. The following are seven ways divorced dads can stay connected to their kids after divorce:
1. Respect Your Ex-Wife
You should seek the counsel of a therapist or counselor if you, as a divorced dad, hold deep-seated pain or anger toward your ex-wife. You should not express these feelings to your ex-spouse. In the best-case scenario, she may ignore your statements. In other cases, she might use your words against you by telling mutual friends, posting on social media, or, even worse, involving your children. The woman you once married and/or had children with will always be their mother, and your children likely love her dearly.
Treating your ex-wife with disrespect will impact your relationship with your children for years to come. If your children witness you disrespecting your ex-wife, it will be an issue or pain point that affects them long-term. Instead, focus on your children’s feelings and seek professional help if you are struggling with the emotions of divorce. You are not alone in dealing with the challenges that come with divorce.
2. Wait for Longer than You Think to Introduce a New Woman, to Stay Connected to Your Kids
It is highly likely and healthy for you to eventually begin dating again. However, depending upon the emotions of your children, this can be a difficult issue or very traumatic. Research shows that daughters have a more difficult time with fathers beginning to date, than sons. Therefore, be sensitive to your children and be careful about how and with whom you introduce them. We highly recommend not introducing or speaking to your children about new romantic interests, unless it is a very serious relationship.
Keep in mind, your children love you and by extension will tend to care for others in your life. Therefore, if your new romantic relationship ends, it may very well be another form of trauma to your children. Children observe and absorb more than we give them credit. Your children do not only see you, they are learning from you about how to treat women, whether you like the lessons you are teaching or not!
3. Maximize Time with Your Children
In many divorce cases in Maryland, the mother ends up having more overnights and, therefore, more time with the children. Regardless of your specific situation, it is important to find ways to stay connected with your children. During the divorce process,, you should advocate for as much time with your children as you can reasonably manage, always keeping their best interests in mind. Whether you are the primary custodial parent or not, plan your time together to ensure it is enjoyable for your kids.
Before your time with your children, take a moment to plan activities or events that they would enjoy. You do not need to shower them with expensive trips or gifts. However, you do need to show genuine interest in them and their interests. The most important thing is to focus your energy on them during your time together. Your children will sense whether you are truly “present” when you are with them or if your mind is elsewhere. Be intentional, be present, be their dad.
4. Pursue Your Children
Your children know where your heart is in relation to your relationship with them, whether they live down the street or across the country. For divorced dads, it’s essential never to stop pursuing their hearts. Technology is a wonderful tool for parents who are separated from their children. Consider building a schedule that includes the following: FaceTime, email or handwritten letters, text messages, video messages, and more. Be as present as possible, and when you cannot be there in person, make sure your children know that your heart is with them. Don’t forget to ask for photos!
5. Make Your Home Their Home
You may have moved out of the marital home and into a new space, but that doesn’t mean your children cannot have a home with you as well. For divorced dads, it might feel strange to both you and your children for a period of time, but kids are highly adaptable and will respond to your comfort level in creating a new home for them.
- Take the time and follow these steps to ensure your children feel welcome in your new home: create a space that is just for them, whether it’s a bedroom, playroom, or a corner of the living room. The amount of space matters far less than the effort you put into making it their own.
- If possible, provide a separate bedroom for each child or a shared sleeping space if you have limited room. Allow each child to participate in decorating their space, within reason. You can take them to the furniture store or browse online to choose furniture and decorations they like. This can be an exciting experience for both of you, and eventually, your children will start to feel that the new space is familiar and feels like home.
- Identify your children’s interests and incorporate them into your new home. For example, if they enjoy basketball, consider getting an indoor basketball hoop (some options are available for around $150). If they love video games, set up a special gaming area and get a few games they enjoy that you can play together. If they’re into dress-up, create a dress-up space with a starter set for your little princess or knight.
This list could go on for pages with ways to build a special space for your children and their interests; however, the key is to be intentional and make it about them! We’d be glad to provide examples of how former clients have created such spaces for their children, tailored to their interests.
6. Own Your Role as Father
You alone decide whether or not you will be an active father in your children’s lives. For divorced dads, the father-child relationship is fundamentally about the interaction between you and your children. How you engage with them plays a major role in how they perceive you and how much they want to be with you. When you remain interested and engaged, it will have a lifelong positive impact on both you and your children.
Many studies, including research from the University of Delaware, show that children with involved fathers have higher self-worth, higher self-esteem, stronger social skills, and better emotional control. You are not just their father; you play a key role in their entire lives and their success. Don’t take this role lightly.
7. Solid as the Rock
You don’t need to argue over every issue related to raising your children with your ex-wife. However, it’s important for divorced dads to stand up for what they believe matters in their children’s upbringing. While we discuss Decision Making Authority, or legal custody, in other articles, keep in mind that you will likely have differences of opinion with your ex-wife on various issues concerning your children.
For the benefit of your children, it’s crucial to communicate with your ex-wife and agree on how decisions will be made and who will make them. Consistency and communication are essential when it comes to important issues related to your children. It’s in their best interest for you and your ex-wife to establish a unified set of rules for both households. Children can be manipulative, and having consistent rules across both homes will make it easier to manage their behavior and ensure they are held to the same standards.
Your Next Steps to Stay Connected to Your Kids
As a divorce fathers, your actions speak volumes to your children. To ensure you’re making the best decisions for maintaining a strong, supportive relationship with your kids, contact our best attorneys in Maryland.
Our team at Divorce With A Plan is here to provide expert and compassionate guidance for divorced dads. With our extensive experience in family law in Maryland, we can help you navigate this challenging time and work towards a solution that is in the best interest of your children.
Reach out to us for a consultation and take the next step in fostering a meaningful connection with your children.